For a long time, and for the most part in my twenties, I used to try and squish my feet into pretty shoes.
Shoes that made me look taller, shoes that bolstered my self-esteem. Shoes that were sparkly. More sparkly than I though myself to me. Shoes, that were, in fact, half a size too small and were deforming my little feet. A story for another day..
What I did not know, until much more recently is that I used my shoe addition to hide perceived trauma. Mum and Dad separated when I was 5. I lived in terror that my sister and I would have to live apart. Then I a few years later, my Pappa passed away to cancer. He was my favourite person in the world. I remember feeling abandoned and very alone in this world. Even though I had my lovely family with me, I felt very unloved and abandoned.
Through many things, of none which were my own doing, I had fabricated a story that I was not lovable. One in which I was always going to be alone, and unsupported.
So I set out in my teens and early twenties creating a new identity for my self. One where I was a superstar. One where I never got close enough to anyone. One that protected me from having my heart hurt again.
When I put on that dress. Those shoes. That makeup. I could be anyone. I thrived – no survived on parties and being distant. I survived on being anonymous. On having an alter ego at the weekend. Then pick up the pieces during the week at work.
When I hit my thirties, I moved country and had my own kids, I went into crisis. The Michelle of the 20s could no longer exist. She was gone. And Michelle – the true Michelle had nowhere to hide anymore.
I had no more fancy shoes to squish my feet into. My body looked different from my earlier years. And I didn’t have a network of friends to pretend amongst like before.
The turning point came when I discovered human design. I realised that I had been living someone else’s life. Walking in shoes that weren’t mine. Shoes that I had created to try and fit in. To feel loved. To feel like I had a place in this world. Shoes that made me feel like I had support.
To others, it has always looked like I have been wandering in my life. Job to job. Course to course. More recently country to country. To me I am lucky. always in the right place at the right time. And that in part is the gift of the undefined G Centre. Always getting the job, the scholarship. Now, I have worked to get these places, please don’t get me wrong.. but sometimes I still feel a sense of imposter syndrome, like I don’t deserve all this luck.
Having an undefined G, you are a chameleon. You can be so many things to so many different people.
Self-worth markers in the human design chart.
The G Centre in human design is the centre for love, direction and purpose. It is a yellow coloured diamond in the centre of the chart when it is defined.
50% of the population have an undefined G and can struggle with lovability, self-worth and a sense of purpose. I am one of those who have this centre undefined.
It’s not to say if you have a defined G that you never experience this. You can. But if it is open you can feel tugged in may directions as you pick up on the purpose and direction of other people. When you have an open centre, you pick up energy from other people, internalise it, amplify it then identify it as part of you. It can be super easy to see someone else doing something and then you will feel that is your life purpose too.
When you do this for many many years, it can be hard for us undefined G centre people to know and feel who we truly are!
Knowing my human design has helped me make peace with my nomadic nature. And Quantum alignment has helped me re-tell some of the not so healthy stories. I have learned to recreate the stories I have around being unlovable and having no support.
How I used Human Design and Quantum Alignment to become aligned with me
Knowing my human design, and my unique blueprint for living freed my mind up. It gave me a much need break from my to stories – the ones where I played victim, martyr and worse. Knowing your human design is one thing. Living it and trying to clear the layers of patterns and beliefs set down to protect my alter ego, well.
But knowing your human design isn’t enough. For many of us, we live with open centres in our chart. Open centres which take on board the energy of those around us. We shape our behaviour and ourselves with this energy to fit in. Almost like trying to fit your feet into someone else’s shoes. Conditioning is the term we give to this.
What would be healthier is throwing away other peoples shoes. Then finding our own shoes and learning to walk in those instead. We call this deconditioning.
Human design, cannot decondition the open centres alone. For that, I use Quantum Alignment, with myself and the people who work with me.
The quantum alignment system can help peel back the layers of conditioning. For me, it has helped me to craft a new story for my life. One which has the theme of empowerment and embodies my passion for altruism.
Are you stuck in your life? Do you know you have something big to do in this world but you just can’t seem to get it moving despite all the coaching?
Let me know in the comments!